The kids were asleep and it was later in the evening. My mother and I were alone in my kitchen. I watched in amazement as she continued to deny my childhood experiences that brought up so much hurt and tenderness for me. I could feel myself start to retreat and I wanted to withdraw.
It had been a pattern I had been in for a while. Not just with my mother, but with other parental figures who had disappointed me tremendously. They didn’t understand and I was tired of explaining it to them. It wasn’t my responsibility to teach them. There’s truth in that, and in my own therapy work, I had also started experimenting with expressing myself more and finding the power in that, for myself. Even if it meant disagreeing or displeasing others, I continued to find myself on my own side… which hasn’t always been easy for me because I attune to others’ thoughts and feelings relatively easily.
I looked my mother in the eyes as she claimed she had no memory for what had happened. I could feel her disappear from herself as much as she had disappeared for me. I could feel myself wanting to pull away. But then, a goddess that I had been working with came into my awareness.
With all of her strength and fierceness, I could feel her holding my heart and whispering to me that she loved me unconditionally. I could feel my heart opening and expanding, as it had been doing in journeys with her. This time though, there was an invitation – she told me that I could love myself the way that she loved me. That the same power of love and strength that I had for her, for my children, for the Earth… that I could also give that to myself. That it was right to give it to myself.
In that moment, I saw my mother with the heavy burden of denial she carried. And I saw myself, and I loved myself. And I loved her.
I told her that constantly rehashing memories that she didn’t have hurt me, and I wasn’t going to hurt myself anymore. That I want to love myself the way that God loves me, which was unconditional, fierce and protective.
After that evening in the kitchen, I started having a slightly different experience of my physical body. I felt bigger like my strength inside my actual body was also becoming stronger. I was telling my husband this while making dinner a couple of nights later. Less than an hour later, for the first time ever, three bear cubs walked through our back yard. I watched them with intense curiosity. Not only because I had never seen a bear on our property, but because intuitively I could feel the strength in my physical body resonate with theirs.
The cubs climbed on our children’s slide, played on the kids’ water table and drank water from our fountain. They were so both so playful and so powerful. I thought to myself… is this a coincidence? I went to my office and began drumming and attuning to the land spirits here asking them if these bears appearance in our backyard was related to my increase in personal power.
The land spirits told me that I was brave. Yes, it was related. Gratitude to the land here who continues to support and sustain my life and the lives of my family. Gratitude to the Goddess who teaches me to love myself unconditionally.
Earth life is a wild journey of continual self discovery and healing for each of us individually and for the collective. May we all have what we need to be who we came here to be and do what we came here to do.